With apologies to Jonathan Swift, I am submitting this modest proposal.
In New York, it is a violation of the traffic law for a driver to use a hand-held cell phone while operating a moving vehicle. This law is based on the assumption that drivers using these devices pose a danger to others using the roadways.
Recently in New York, the police have been cracking down on the use of hand-held cell phones by drivers. They stop the vehicles and issue tickets to the offending drivers.
Based on my observations as a driver on New York roads, it might be beneficial for the police to stop only those drivers who are not using a hand-held cell phone. That way, they would be off the road and safely out of the way of those dangerous drivers who are using hand-held cell phones.
At least for a few minutes.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Money Talks
With the airwaves filled with talk of money, bailouts and fraud schemes, I am reminded of an old advertising slogan:
MONEY TALKS,
NOBODY WALKS
Of course, today that slogan is more likely to read:
MONEY TALKS,
ALL MINE EVER SAYS IS GOODBYE.
MONEY TALKS,
NOBODY WALKS
Of course, today that slogan is more likely to read:
MONEY TALKS,
ALL MINE EVER SAYS IS GOODBYE.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My newest hobby
The other day I was in my local supermarket, picking up a quart of milk at my wife’s request. While in the diary aisle, I spotted a sale sign for a brand of cheese I like. The sign indicated the containers were two for five dollars. I only wanted one, and since the sign did not require that I buy two to get the sale price, the cheese would cost me $2.50.
I have a habit of never taking the first item on the shelf, so I had to move the front container to reach the one behind it. As I did so, I noticed the “sell by” date on the first container was three weeks before. Thus, the product’s shelf life had expired.
The container behind it was still fresh, so that’s the one I would be buying. However, since I felt it wasn’t right to leave the expired container on the shelf, I took it to the customer service desk and explained that it was past it’s “sell by” date. The clerk then handed me a coupon for $1 off my order, in effect reducing the cost of my cheese purchase to $1.50.
It seems the supermarket has a policy of giving a one dollar coupon if a customer finds an expired item for sale on the store’s shelves. They call it their freshness guarantee.
So my new hobby is to check a few expiration dates each time I shop.
It’s a game with better odds than the lottery.
I have a habit of never taking the first item on the shelf, so I had to move the front container to reach the one behind it. As I did so, I noticed the “sell by” date on the first container was three weeks before. Thus, the product’s shelf life had expired.
The container behind it was still fresh, so that’s the one I would be buying. However, since I felt it wasn’t right to leave the expired container on the shelf, I took it to the customer service desk and explained that it was past it’s “sell by” date. The clerk then handed me a coupon for $1 off my order, in effect reducing the cost of my cheese purchase to $1.50.
It seems the supermarket has a policy of giving a one dollar coupon if a customer finds an expired item for sale on the store’s shelves. They call it their freshness guarantee.
So my new hobby is to check a few expiration dates each time I shop.
It’s a game with better odds than the lottery.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Luck
I don’t buy lottery tickets anymore because I never seem to win. But I still participate in the lottery. Here’s how:
I have a tendency to pick up discarded lottery tickets, in the hopes of finding a winning ticket someone has lost or thrown away. Within the last year, I found two unused scratch-off tickets, one of which, when scratched, was a winner, albeit for only three dollars.
Another found ticket had been purchased for $20 by someone and the ticket gave the purchaser ten chances to find a winning poker hand of Jacks or better. The better the hand, the higher the prize. Apparently the purchaser was looking for a full house or straight flush for a big payoff and overlooked line seven, which contained two Jacks. I collected five dollars on that one.
When I find an unscratched lottery ticket, and it turns out to be a non-winner, it causes me to reflect on the definition of luck. Was it unlucky for the purchaser to lose the ticket and was it lucky for me to find it? In both instances the ticket was a loser, so if there was any luck involved, it was not good luck.
Whether I find any more winning tickets or not, at least I’ll be content with knowing they cost me nothing. And I benefit from the exercise of bending down to pick them up.
I get the same exercise benefit from stooping to pick up a coin, plus the added satisfaction of having real money in my pocket.
Beats joining a health club.
I have a tendency to pick up discarded lottery tickets, in the hopes of finding a winning ticket someone has lost or thrown away. Within the last year, I found two unused scratch-off tickets, one of which, when scratched, was a winner, albeit for only three dollars.
Another found ticket had been purchased for $20 by someone and the ticket gave the purchaser ten chances to find a winning poker hand of Jacks or better. The better the hand, the higher the prize. Apparently the purchaser was looking for a full house or straight flush for a big payoff and overlooked line seven, which contained two Jacks. I collected five dollars on that one.
When I find an unscratched lottery ticket, and it turns out to be a non-winner, it causes me to reflect on the definition of luck. Was it unlucky for the purchaser to lose the ticket and was it lucky for me to find it? In both instances the ticket was a loser, so if there was any luck involved, it was not good luck.
Whether I find any more winning tickets or not, at least I’ll be content with knowing they cost me nothing. And I benefit from the exercise of bending down to pick them up.
I get the same exercise benefit from stooping to pick up a coin, plus the added satisfaction of having real money in my pocket.
Beats joining a health club.
Language
Language, specifically the improper use of language, has always been a pet peeve of mine. Each time I hear a commercial say something like, “over 4 out of 5 doctors recommend…,” when they really mean “more than 4 of 5,” I cringe.
So, too, when I see written phrases, like, “every single person…,” when they mean “each person,” not just the single ones, I silently shout, “Say what you really mean.”
For a long time, the signs at the supermarket checkout which read something like, “12 items or less,” when they mean “12 items or fewer,” bothered me. Then, one day, I was in a Publix supermarket in Florida and saw their sign, which read something like, “12 items or fewer.” I was so pleased I wanted to shout, “Right on,” or maybe even “Write on.” Each time I saw the sign, it was like an antidote for all the incorrect signs in the other stores.
Just recently, a Stop and Shop supermarket opened in my town. To my delight, their signs say “fewer” rather than “less than.” There may not be many of us who care, or even notice, but for me at least, it’s one less thing to be upset about. And as someone once said, it’s the little things that count.
I learned long ago that you can’t change the world overnight. But each little step in the right direction is progress.
So, too, when I see written phrases, like, “every single person…,” when they mean “each person,” not just the single ones, I silently shout, “Say what you really mean.”
For a long time, the signs at the supermarket checkout which read something like, “12 items or less,” when they mean “12 items or fewer,” bothered me. Then, one day, I was in a Publix supermarket in Florida and saw their sign, which read something like, “12 items or fewer.” I was so pleased I wanted to shout, “Right on,” or maybe even “Write on.” Each time I saw the sign, it was like an antidote for all the incorrect signs in the other stores.
Just recently, a Stop and Shop supermarket opened in my town. To my delight, their signs say “fewer” rather than “less than.” There may not be many of us who care, or even notice, but for me at least, it’s one less thing to be upset about. And as someone once said, it’s the little things that count.
I learned long ago that you can’t change the world overnight. But each little step in the right direction is progress.
Odds
As I was reading the sports pages at breakfast the other morning, I noticed something unusual. On the page which contained the “betting odds” for the week’s sporting events, there was a list of odds for the 2012 presidential nominations. The list was divided in two columns: one for the Democrats and one for the Republicans.
What struck me, beside the fact that these odds were being published, was that the 2008 presidential winner hadn’t even been sworn in yet. And the odds themselves were a little strange. For example, the Republican favorite was Mitt Romney, at 5 to 1. This is understandable, even though we haven’t heard from him since he dropped out of the 2008 race. But next in line was Sarah Palin at 6 to 1. How anyone in their right mind could envision this woman at the top of the 2012 presidential ticket, let alone as the number two favorite, escapes me. I’d sooner vote for Tina Fey.
Naturally, the Democratic front runner was Barak Obama, who would be the incumbent. No surprise there. But down the list, at only 100 to 1, was Caroline Kennedy! Based on hearing her speak as she seeks the soon to be vacated junior senate seat in New York, I can’t imagine why these odds shouldn’t be more like 1,000,000 to 1. Her father may have evoked visions of Camelot, but after hearing her speak, I’m reminded more of Spamalot.
On another page of the newspaper, I learned that on Inauguration Day, the vice president is sworn in first. I never realized that. Seems like putting the cart before the horse to me. The only advantage I see with that process is that it gets Cheney out of the picture that much sooner.
What struck me, beside the fact that these odds were being published, was that the 2008 presidential winner hadn’t even been sworn in yet. And the odds themselves were a little strange. For example, the Republican favorite was Mitt Romney, at 5 to 1. This is understandable, even though we haven’t heard from him since he dropped out of the 2008 race. But next in line was Sarah Palin at 6 to 1. How anyone in their right mind could envision this woman at the top of the 2012 presidential ticket, let alone as the number two favorite, escapes me. I’d sooner vote for Tina Fey.
Naturally, the Democratic front runner was Barak Obama, who would be the incumbent. No surprise there. But down the list, at only 100 to 1, was Caroline Kennedy! Based on hearing her speak as she seeks the soon to be vacated junior senate seat in New York, I can’t imagine why these odds shouldn’t be more like 1,000,000 to 1. Her father may have evoked visions of Camelot, but after hearing her speak, I’m reminded more of Spamalot.
On another page of the newspaper, I learned that on Inauguration Day, the vice president is sworn in first. I never realized that. Seems like putting the cart before the horse to me. The only advantage I see with that process is that it gets Cheney out of the picture that much sooner.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I read the news today
To quote a line from the Beatles' Sgt Pepper album, “I read the news today, oh boy.”
Thursday, December 11, 2008
With the airwaves filled with stories about the arrest of the governor of Illinois, I purchased a copy of the New York Daily News today in the hopes of finding more local news.
Here’s what I got for my fifty cents:
Page 1 told me that the Yankees will pay CC Sabathea $161,000,000.00 to pitch a baseball starting next year. That should throw the economy a curve.
Page 2 informed me that Queens Assemblyman Anthony Seminerio was indicted for allegedly selling his Albany clout for $1,000,000.00. I didn’t know clout was worth so much in Albany.
On page 4 I read the disturbing story of a 16 year old Bronx Center for Science and Mathematics student who was stabbed and slashed by the owner of a 2005 BMW because the student placed his bookbag on the hood of the parked car. The student was in critical condition after “he died and came back to life.” To make matters worse, is there any doubt this will end up as an episode of Law and Order?
Page 5 had a story of a female secretary who lost her $75,000.00 a year job at Versace, allegedly because she refused to repeat, verbatim, answering machine messages, which her male boss received from his male lovers. Of all the stories, this was the least surprising.
Also on page 5 were the following two stories: (1) A husband and wife were charged with stealing more than $200,000.00 from Columbia University by way of phony neurological studies. What the hell are they teaching these days? And (2) two female students from Delaware and New Jersey, who, while attending Manhattan’s Fashion Institute of Technology, allegedly sold cocaine to undercover police officers on at least 8 different occasions. Well, they do say cocaine is the drug of fashion.
On page 6 there was a story of a passenger who slashed a female bus driver in Queens and stole her ring. Could you ever imagine this happening to Ralph Kramden?
The story on page 8 was the one that made me stop reading the news and skip directly to the comic pages. It seems that recently elected Manhattan Surrogate Nora Anderson, age 56, was arrested for accepting illegal campaign contributions from an 81 year old male lawyer. Under our system of “innocent until proven guilty,” it is possible this woman can take the bench on January 1, 2009, long before the case against her is brought to conclusion. Is this crazy, or what?
Unfortunately, the comic pages brought little relief to this insanity. The Blondie strip showed the mailman telling Dagwood there were rumors that his neighbors were giving the mailman money for Christmas. When questioned by Dagwood, the mailman admitted he, himself, started the rumors. Seems everyone has their hand out during the holiday season - wanting a tip just for doing their job.
But the saddest comic strip of the day was called Jump Start. It showed a young boy named Tommi telling another young boy that what he wanted for Christmas was for this young boy to stop stealing his toy and flushing it down the toilet.
A Merry Christmas, indeed.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
With the airwaves filled with stories about the arrest of the governor of Illinois, I purchased a copy of the New York Daily News today in the hopes of finding more local news.
Here’s what I got for my fifty cents:
Page 1 told me that the Yankees will pay CC Sabathea $161,000,000.00 to pitch a baseball starting next year. That should throw the economy a curve.
Page 2 informed me that Queens Assemblyman Anthony Seminerio was indicted for allegedly selling his Albany clout for $1,000,000.00. I didn’t know clout was worth so much in Albany.
On page 4 I read the disturbing story of a 16 year old Bronx Center for Science and Mathematics student who was stabbed and slashed by the owner of a 2005 BMW because the student placed his bookbag on the hood of the parked car. The student was in critical condition after “he died and came back to life.” To make matters worse, is there any doubt this will end up as an episode of Law and Order?
Page 5 had a story of a female secretary who lost her $75,000.00 a year job at Versace, allegedly because she refused to repeat, verbatim, answering machine messages, which her male boss received from his male lovers. Of all the stories, this was the least surprising.
Also on page 5 were the following two stories: (1) A husband and wife were charged with stealing more than $200,000.00 from Columbia University by way of phony neurological studies. What the hell are they teaching these days? And (2) two female students from Delaware and New Jersey, who, while attending Manhattan’s Fashion Institute of Technology, allegedly sold cocaine to undercover police officers on at least 8 different occasions. Well, they do say cocaine is the drug of fashion.
On page 6 there was a story of a passenger who slashed a female bus driver in Queens and stole her ring. Could you ever imagine this happening to Ralph Kramden?
The story on page 8 was the one that made me stop reading the news and skip directly to the comic pages. It seems that recently elected Manhattan Surrogate Nora Anderson, age 56, was arrested for accepting illegal campaign contributions from an 81 year old male lawyer. Under our system of “innocent until proven guilty,” it is possible this woman can take the bench on January 1, 2009, long before the case against her is brought to conclusion. Is this crazy, or what?
Unfortunately, the comic pages brought little relief to this insanity. The Blondie strip showed the mailman telling Dagwood there were rumors that his neighbors were giving the mailman money for Christmas. When questioned by Dagwood, the mailman admitted he, himself, started the rumors. Seems everyone has their hand out during the holiday season - wanting a tip just for doing their job.
But the saddest comic strip of the day was called Jump Start. It showed a young boy named Tommi telling another young boy that what he wanted for Christmas was for this young boy to stop stealing his toy and flushing it down the toilet.
A Merry Christmas, indeed.
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