Published!

I’ve only written three letters to magazines in my life. The first was in 1977 when I wrote to Time Magazine to protest the limited coverage of the death of Groucho Marx compared to the multiple pages devoted to the death of Elvis Presley, who died the same week. I got a reply by mail from someone at Time, explaining that the reason for the disparity in coverage was that Groucho was old and the death of Elvis was unexpected. My letter was not published.

The second letter I wrote was to Reader’s Digest circa 1982. I sent what I thought was a humorous story for publication. It was this: My four-year-old daughter was watching Saturday morning cartoons on television when an ad for a movie came on. She turned to me and said, “Daddy, will you take me to see that movie?” “Okay,” I said. “Where is it playing?” My daughter replied, “At a theater near you.” Reader’s Digest did not publish the story.

This year, I was surfing online and I came across the website for Real Simple magazine. There was a question of the month: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you worry about money and why?” I submitted what I thought was a clever response:

“I don’t worry about money. I worry about the lack of it. I’m a 10. Notwithstanding what they say about love, it’s money that makes the world go around. The lack of it makes you stand still and worry.”

Shortly thereafter, I received an e-mail from someone at the magazine asking permission to publish my response. I gave it. In the March, 2008 issue of Real Simple magazine, you can read my response at the top of page 56.

I have finally been published!

The writers are back

If there was ever any doubt that writers were needed for late night talk shows, this joke from Jay Leno on Monday night proves they are back:

I paraphrase: “President Bush said we honor President Washington and President Lincoln on President’s Day, or as he calls them, Mr. Quarter and Mr. Penny.”

Now, that’s comedy.

A penny for your thoughts

I just heard on the radio that the price of a first class stamp is increasing from 41 cents to 42 cents in May, 2008. In other words, it is going up one cent. And this after watching a story on 60 Minutes last night that contended it costs the government two cents to make a one cent coin because of the high price of the metal used. I guess they need that extra penny from the stamp to cover the cost of making the extra penny we will need to buy the stamp.

When you consider this is the government, it makes perfect cents.

A break in the line

Technology was stopped dead in its tracks the other day. The world did not come to an end, but for one brief moment in time, everything stood still.

I was at the checkout aisle of a local supermarket, behind a man who had actually read the overhead sign inviting those with six items or less to come forward (it should actually have read “six items or fewer” but that’s a subject for another post).

The fellow had his first two items scanned by the red laser light embedded under the glass on the counter top. But his third item brought things to a screeching halt. It was a large can of soup, but the label contained no barcode and thus, could not be scanned. To complicate matters, there was no price sticker on the can itself.

The cashier had become so used to simply scanning each item that she was at a loss as to what to do. Finally, she directed the customer to go back to the shelves and get a can which did have a barcode.

In the meantime, the line was stopped dead in its tracks, as we waited for the customer to complete his errand.

He finally returned, only to tell the cashier that none of the cans had a barcode or price sticker. He did, however, inform her that the price on the shelf indicated the can cost $3.29. The cashier took his word for it and manually entered the amount on the cash register.

The rest of the transaction went smoothly and the fellow was on his way.

But for one brief moment in time, technology brought our world to a stop because of a missing barcode.

Observation

People tend to look at the obvious and rarely notice that which is hidden in plain sight.

This point was made clear to me the other day. I usually drive home from work by a different route than I drive to work. Thus, I see the sights from one direction only. On this particular day, there was a huge traffic jam on my regular route to work, so I decided to take the route I usually take going home. In other words, I was traveling the same route but from the other direction. It dawned on me that the sights I was used to seeing seemed strange because I was seeing them from a reverse perspective.

A recent game show asked this question: “On the back of which U.S. paper currency is the White House pictured?”

Before you reach into your wallet, read on.

Everyone knows the basic denominations of U.S. paper currency: $1, $2 (though rarely seen), $5, $10, $50, and $100. There are higher denominations but they don’t circulate ($500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000, $100,000).

Most people know that George Washington is on the front of the one dollar bill; that Abraham Lincoln is on the five; Alexander Hamilton on the ten; Ulysses Grant on the fifty and Benjamin Franklin on the hundred (“It’s all about the Benjamins”). You might even know that Thomas Jefferson is on the rarely used two dollar bill. But unless you are a collector, or serious student of currency, you wouldn’t know that McKinley is on the five hundred; Cleveland is on the one thousand; Madison is on the five thousand; Salmon P. Chase on the ten thousand and Woodrow Wilson on the one hundred thousand.

Now, with regard to the reverse, or back, of each bill, everyone knows what’s on the back of a one dollar bill – the Great Seal and a pyramid with an eye at the top. And it’s pretty easy to recall that the reverse of the Lincoln five dollar bill has the Lincoln Memorial, the same as the reverse of the Lincoln cent (at least since 1959). But what is depicted on the back of the other bills, and which one pictures the White House?

The answers:

The reverse of the $2 bill depicts a painting of The Declaration of Independence
The reverse of the $10 bill depicts the U.S. Treasury Building
The reverse of the $20 bill depicts the White House
The reverse of the $50 bill depicts the U.S. Capital
The reverse of the $100 bill depicts Independence Hall

The higher denominations just have words on the reverse.

So, as you are reaching into your wallet to pay for gasoline these days, just turn those bills over, and as Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

Paying attention

I recently received a bill from my fuel oil company which listed the price per gallon at a higher rate than my contract called for.

I called the company and spoke with a representative. He checked the file and said that I was correct and admitted I was being overcharged.

"Thank you for paying attention," he said, as he made the adjustment.

"Paying attention is better than paying extra," I replied.

Collecting

We all collect or save things. Some, like stamp collectors, do it formally and meticulously. Others do it informally, saving things they think might be valuable someday, such as a commemorative issue of a magazine. But as we mature (read: get older), what we save changes. The things we once thought were valuable no longer interest us.

Of course, there are some who begin collecting things early in life and continue until they themselves expire. I call these people "collecting fans." The word "fan," as used in this context stands for "fanatic." And that’s what you have to be if your collecting habits don’t change. For the rest of us, what we stop collecting becomes fodder for Ebay.

Here’s an example. I became a coin collector, or numismatist (to use the official five-dollar word), at about age 12. I started with Lincoln cents (they are not officially called pennies – the penny was a British coin), and gradually moved to larger denominations as my allowance allowed. In those days, most coins had intrinsic value, especially the higher denominations, which were 90% silver.

When I got married, I began collecting proof sets. These are specially struck and polished coins sold enclosed in plastic by the United States Mint. When I had children, I increased my proof set purchases each year by the number of children I had, on the theory that they could each have their own set without fighting over mine. A few years later it dawned on me that my children did not share my hobby, and indeed, had no interest in the proof sets. The sets themselves, while pretty to look at, did not increase much in value over the years. At one point, I realized that all I really needed was one set per year for me to enjoy. But each year’s purchase was packed away in a drawer somewhere and I never looked at it. Finally, it became clear that these purchases were no longer necessary and I stopped collecting proof sets altogether.

Today, I have lost all interest in coin collecting. The 50 state quarters now in production were supposed to boost interest in the hobby, but the circulated coins are so poorly struck and made of a non-valuable composite material that I lost interest in them long before the last coin rolls off the stamping press.

As with proof sets, I figure that if I ever rekindle my desire to collect them, there will be plenty available on the open market.

For now, my money is better spent on things other than money.

Things like a few gallons of gasoline or home heating oil.

Talk about having money to burn.